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| HEADLINE NEWS |
SPRINGDALE, ARKANSAS - Responding to a more health conscious consumer market, Tyson Foods has announced the development of a skinless chicken that will meet the needs of busy consumers who don't have time to pull the skin off chickens themselves. The new chicken is different from the "pre-peeled" chickens now available in stores. By not having any skin in the first place, Tyson expects a lower product cost, thus attractive to consumers, pricewise, not appearance wise.
The patented breed of chicken is the result of gene splicing technology that first inserted the male pattern baldness gene of humans into the genome of a chicken. This created a featherless chicken. The second step was to remove the gene that orders the growth of skin on chickens. The resultant mass of exposed muscle and sinew speeds processing time at Tyson plants by 28%.
| Initially, some scientists at Tyson were concerned that
the new breed of chicken would be unable to tolerate exposure to the sun and wind.
However, the project moved forward after the scientists were assured that Tyson chickens
never see the light of day. Irving Hennypenny, Foul (sic) Production Manager for Tyson Foods, said, "Our chickens are protected from the harsh elements of nature by placing them in small, cramped cages in large food factories. We have never had a fox kill one of our chickens. Do you suppose those crazy free-range chicken advocates can claim the same? Think of those poor chickens living in fear of foxes." Anticipating future consumer demand in the highly competitive industrial food production business, Tyson researchers are working on a boneless version of their skinless chicken. Early experiments have resulted in a blob of beating muscle mass that can't stand up, but they are confident about achieving their goal. Head researcher for Tyson, Dr. Josef Mengele Jr., said the well-documented existence of spineless politicians proves it is theoretically possible to make a boneless chicken. "I came to work for Tyson Foods because I wanted to make my father proud," explained Mengele as he flipped a blob of something resembling meat on his giant barbecue pit, affectionately referred to by him as "The Incinerator."
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