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| HEADLINE NEWS |
THE BRONX, NEW YORK CITY - Cultural anthropologists from Columbia University have confirmed that rumors about the existence of a man in New York city who cannot be connected to Kevin Bacon in six steps or less are in fact true. The stunning discovery has created ripple effects far beyond the usual six connected results of shocking news. Six Degrees of Separation is the foundational theory for all sociology and in terms of importance has been compared to the Heisenberg Principle in quantum physics and Theory of Relativity in physical education.
Six Degrees of Separation is the theory that, if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. The theory was subsequently refined to incorporate the premise that everything in the universe can be connected to the actor Kevin Bacon in six steps or less. The algorithms developed from this theory are now the basis of all social networking software, like that used by Facebook and Twitter. The Six Degrees of Bacon Separation (SD/BS) algorithms are also used to connect global financial markets.
News of an exception to the universal constant of social networking has caused major glitches in the software operating stock markets and financial institutions. Facebook and Twitter are also reporting massive software errors in their networks, yet thus far most users have noticed little difference from the normal constant occurrence of error messages and crashes.
| Dr. Jane Goodnplenty, a primate behaviorist who
normally observes the interaction between chimpanzees and humans on the New York City
subway system, was lead investigator of the hunt for the world's most disconnected person.
Dr. Goodnplenty, and her team of 6 fawning graduate students, spent three weeks searching
through the streets and backalleys of the Bronx before finally stumbling upon the rumored
to exist man. The pursuit, which took them to coffee shops, immigrant owned grocery
stores, newspaper boys standing on the corner shouting "Extra, extra, read all about
it," and trash dumpsters filled with newspapers that nobody buys anymore, ended in a
small basement apartment of a Bronx tenement where they met John Q. Public. Mr. Public, who was surprised at the news of being the world's most disconnected person, works as the night janitor for Columbia University's Department of Primatology and Anthropology, where Dr. Goodnplenty has her office. "I've never seen this guy before," said the stunned scientist while picking for fleas in the hair of one her associates. "I always noticed my waste basket was empty in the morning, but I had no idea how that happened." John Q. Public, who has no living relatives, told the researchers that he believes his disconnectedness is the result of his name. "Everybody thinks it's a fake name, that I'm hiding my true identity," said Mr. Public. Public continued his private conversation, "The irony is that in one sense everyone is John Q. Public, but in reality, there's only me." |
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Dr. Goodnplenty and her team spent six frustrating hours trying to connect Mr. Public to Kevin Bacon in six steps or less. The closest they came was eight steps. "This is unbelievable," said one team member. "It's like this guy doesn't exist." Mr. Public, who took offense at the suggestion that he doesn't exist, responded, "I just keep to myself. That's all. Is that a crime?"
Reacting to the global chaos caused by the violation of the Six Degrees of Bacon Separation rule, officials at the Justice Department are examining whether in fact Mr. Public has committed a crime. "No man is an island. It's a small world after all. We're all in this together," said Barney Banal, head of the Division of Trite Phrase Enforcement for the Department of Justice.
Hoping to stop the total collapse of SD/BS algorithms in social networking software, scientists are working hard to create a new underlying truism. Some scientists believe they may get systems up and running again by believing that things like plane crashes or celebrity deaths always happen in threes. "Trinitarianism," as they call it, was immediately claimed by several Christian denominations to be a proprietary kernel of their systematic theologies.
Kevin Bacon, upon hearing the news that someone is not connected to him in six degrees or less, volunteered to fly to New York and meet Mr. Public. Experts say that while this Public offering by Mr. Bacon is a noble gesture by one of the world's few good men, it probably wouldn't restore the tear in the cosmic fabric of the universe. "Quite frankly," said one expert, "if this one person exists, then probably there are thousands of disconnected people out there. There just isn't enough Bacon to serve all of them."
UPDATE: BREAKING NEWS - Dr. Goodnplenty and her research team announced that in rummaging through the closets of Mr. Public they discovered a box of old VHS tapes. Among the videos was a copy of Footloose, starring Kevin Bacon. When shown the video tape, with Kevin Bacon on the box, Mr. Public said, "That's Kevin Bacon? Hell, I used to clean his swimming pool when I lived in Los Angeles." Following the announcement, stocks rose on the Tokyo and London exchanges. The New York Stock Exchange futures market indicate that it will open higher today. Twitter and Facebook report their software systems are back to operating at their normal subpar performance levels.