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| HEADLINE NEWS |
NEW YORK - In an effort to jump start stalled negotiations between Israel and Palestine, President Obama has prodded Israeli Prime Minister Benny Netanyoohoo and Palestinian Authority President Manny Abba to "get along, lil' doggies and mooove forward" on Middle East peace. "Oy vey," shouted Netanyoohoo, as he was prodded into shaking hands with Abba by Obama's electric cattle prod. Responding to his jab, Abba sang out, "Mamma Mia."
The new strategy for peace in the Middle East follows the tradition of using innovative diplomacy to try and solve the disputes. Shuttle diplomacy was used by Secretary of State Henry Kissinger who regularly commuted on the subway between Egypt and Israel in the early 70's. Former President Jimmy Carter sent Egyptian President Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Begin away to summer Camp David until they were able to settle their disputes with a canoe race. In the 1990's, the Clinton Administration used Scandinavian saunas to reach the Oslo Accords, though participants said they felt uncomfortable about the way Clinton looked at them when towels were removed. Former President George W. Bush took the diplomatic approach of "if I close my eyes, it isn't there." While no actual progress was ever made, Bush has said, "Hey, we survived for eight more years, didn't we."
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The newest strategy employed by the United States
consists of using electric cattle prods to poke, jab, and shock the Middle East leaders
into compromising positions. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, "We hate to
resort to inhumane ways to achieve peace between these dicks, but it's not like we are
going to club them on the head and slit their throats, hang them up and butcher them . . .
yet." Clinton continued, "I mean, these dicks are the reason we are fighting in
Afghanistan, and these dicks are the reason for the Iraq war . . . well that and oil.
Anyway, 90 percent of the world's problems are because these stupid dicks can't get
along." Long time observers of the State Department could not recall another time when the word "dick" was used so frequently at a press briefing. "Madeleine Albright had a foul mouth, for sure, but she kept it behind closed doors," said one veteran reporter. |
White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs, formerly of the BeeGees, said that while the President expects progress from the use of cattle prods, the United States is prepared to taser the foreign leaders if necessary. "The cattle prod packs a pretty good wallop, but a taser will leave them on the floor begging for peace, bro." Gibbs refused to confirm sources at the State Department who claim that waterboarding is also an option.
The White House did, however, confirm that a nuclear option exists for solving the Middle East conflict. "Obviously," said Gibbs, "dropping nuclear bombs on the entire Middle East and completely erasing the problem is a last resort. But all parties involved need to understand that President Obama is serious about achieving world peace. He has received several letters from school children very concerned about that." To emphasize his point, Gibbs pulled out a piece of paper with words scribbled in crayon before realizing they were his notes from the Cabinet meeting.
In his remarks to the media, Netanyoohoo said, "If that Nubian prince jabs me one more time with the cattle prod, I will personally make sure he never gets another vote out of south Florida."