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HEADLINE NEWS
GOP Senator warns of "minor revolution."
WASHINGTON D.C. - Republican Senator Lamar Alexander warned his Democratic colleagues that there would be a "minor revolution in this country" if they forced through health care reform. Alexander, who was a minor candidate for President in 1996 and 2000, and is considered a leading minor voice in the Senate, said it is clear Americans are "scared to death" at the thought of providing affordable health care to all people.
When asked by reporters whether he meant there would be a revolution led by children under the age of 18, or whether he meant it would be a small scale revolution that included people of all ages, the Senator replied, "What?" Seeking more clarification, one reporter asked exactly how much of the United States would come under the control of the revolutionaries. Alexander replied, "Opposition to health care reform is found in all 50 states." Another reporter then challenged the Senator from Tennessee, saying, "Wouldn't that make it a pretty major revolution?" Alexander responded, "I suppose, in a sense, yes."
Stunned by the revelation of revolution, reporters huddled and then asked, "Are you encouraging treason, or just reporting an observation of treason that is taking place?" A confused Alexander got on the phone with his lawyer and after 15 minutes of talking with his attorney and checking his Twitter, answered, "On the advice of legal counsel, I have no comment."
Following the press conference, news of the minor revolution spread quickly across the countryside. Groups of anti-health care reform Minute Men gathered on courthouse lawns and in front of State Capital buildings. Pro-health care reform advocates also gathered to try and snuff out the quickly growing minor revolution. Both sides hurled insults and competed to have the most catchy phrases and references to Hitler on their protest signs. At one uprising, a minor revolutionary was injured when he was poked in the eye by the cardboard corner of a protest sign.
| The partially blinded revolutionary was taken to an
emergency room, where he found out that his insurance wouldn't cover injuries incurred
while trying to overthrow the government. "What the hell," shouted the man.
"My health insurance sucks. Down with the revolution. I want change we can believe
in." When news of the emergency room experience spread to other minor revolutionaries, many checked their health insurance plans and discovered they were worthless. Within hours, the minor revolution dwindled to a few nut cases who were claiming President Obama was born on Mars. A minor scuffle broke out when one anti-minor revolutionary shouted back, "At least he wasn't born on Uranus."
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