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| HEADLINE NEWS |
WASHINGTON D.C. - In what has been called a "masterful plan of misdirection" the Obama administration has implemented a top secret project to take away Internet access from people who are unable to discern fact from fiction, otherwise known as "Internet Idiots." Officially called "Cyberspace Storm," the government crackdown on Internet idiocy wove together little known provisions from the Patriot Act and No Child Left Behind legislation passed during the Bush era.
Millions of Americans were shocked when they tried to get on the Internet to look for information on Twitter, Facebook and Youtube only to be greeted by an "Access Denied" message on the screen. Microsoft help lines were swamped with angry callers who thought the message was one of the 13,764 known bugs in Microsoft operating systems. When it was discovered that Microsoft had nothing to do with the Internet block, the ire of angry idiot web surfers turned on government offices. Government workers were instructed to put every caller on hold until further notice.
| Janet Napolitano, head of Homeland Security, said the government was able to pull off the top secret project by using the old magicians' trick of misdirection. "For months," said Napolitano, "we planted rumors and innuendoes about the government coming to take away people's guns. In fact, we have no interest in doing that. Hell, my basement is filled with hundreds of guns, less than half of them even legal." The Homeland Security chief continued, "Actually, we were monitoring the Internet using sophisticated technology that tracked every instance of things like "secret black helicopters," "9-11 conspiracies," "Roswell UFO crash," and "One World Government." Napolitano explained that the government was able to determine by the frequency of visits to such sites and idiot remarks posted, which Americans are able to discern fact from fiction. |
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The ACLU filed suit in Federal court on behalf of those citizens denied access to the Internet. "This is a clear infringement on the First Amendment right to be stupid," said Levi Aaron Goldsmith Levinson, a lawyer for the ACLU, who happens to not be Jewish. White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs rejects the ACLU claim. "Of course the First Amendment protects the right to be stupid," said the former BeeGees band member. "But this is about idiots, not normal people who are just acting stupid. An idiot is by definition one who is deficient in judgment and good sense." Gibbs continued, "Stupid people will waste time watching FOX News. Idiots will actually believe FOX News."
A FOX News reporter, who didn't seem to understand the Gibbs analogy, challenged the Press Secretary, saying, "Doesn't the First Amendment protect the right to be both stupid and an idiot." Gibbs, visibly upset that a FOX News reporter had snuck back into the briefing room despite added security, responded, "Courts have determined there are limits to the First Amendment. An idiot doesn't have the right to yell "fire" in a crowded movie theater. In the same way, crying wolf on Youtube about Swine Flu concentration camps and secret black helicopters creates mass hysteria."
Republicans quickly charged the White House with trying to stifle political debate. The White House countered by saying that honest disagreements between intelligent people and stupid people, read Democrats and Republicans, will not be restricted. "There are many respected Republicans leaders," the White House posted in a statement on its restricted access web site, "who often say stupid things, but are not banned from the Internet."
Apparently though, "many" does not mean "all." Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's Facebook profile was noticeably absent from the web today.
President Obama, who briefly addressed reporters on his way to a local fast food restaurant that has free WiFi, said, "This is not a punitive action by the government. Internet idiots will have the opportunity to attend free classes to educate them in reality discernment. Those who pass the class will receive a "Not an Idiot" certificate and special password that will once again allow them access to the Internet. Of course, their Internet activity will continue to be monitored by the government to prevent relapses into idiocy."
A spokesperson for America Online had a statement from the Internet service provider, but no one cared what AOL had to say.