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| HEADLINE NEWS |
WASHINGTON - The top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, wants to win the battle for the hearts and the minds of the people in the war-torn country. "If the people view us as occupiers and the enemy, we can't be successful and our casualties will go up dramatically," McChrystal told CBS's "60 Minutes" in an interview aired Sunday night.
When pressed to spell out his strategy for winning over the hearts and minds of the Afghan people, McChrystal explained, "We must become more fully engaged in the local culture. For example, everyone knows that Afghanistan produces the best hashish on earth. We should take advantage of that by combining the creativity of American soldiers, who make hash pipes and bongs from military equipment, with the cultural pride Afghanis have about their hashish production."
| Afghan hashish production, which declined during the
Soviet occupation and rule of the Taliban, recently has been regaining it's global
prestige. "There's a lot of talk about opium," said Farbong Highsomi, a
prosperous cannabis grower. "And while we're proud of the quality of our opium, it's
hashish production that put Afghanistan on the map." General McChrystal agrees with that assessment. "Upon news of my being sent to Afghanistan," said the General between hits on his hookah, "the first thing I thought of was hashish." Following a brief coughing fit, the General continued, "I know some people believe Egyptian hash is the best, but they don't know crap. This shit is what will blow your mind." Some military experts question the strategy of McChrystal. "The military should focus on doing what it does best," said Donald Buzzkill, a former Pentagon official. "We kill, and we are damn good at it. This hearts and minds stuff is bullshit." |
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McChrystal rails at such criticism. "Hell, I enjoy killing as much as the next guy, but there are two factors we must consider in this war." The General paused to eat some Oreo cookies before continuing, "The only time I actually like these cookies is when I'm stoned. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the two factors of Afghanistan. Number one, it's hard as hell to find the enemy to kill. Half the time we kill civilians by mistake. And B, Afghanistan has the world's best hashish. We would be plain stupid to not take advantage of this opportunity."
During the lengthy interview, McChrystal told numerous stories about smoking hashish. In the one story that seemed somewhat related to the war in Afghanistan, he shared how he hated the guy who lived across the hall in his West Point dorm. "What a dickwad," said the General. "But one day, he invited me over to smoke a few bowls of Afghan Red and listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album. I discovered the person I hated was actually a pretty cool dude. I think the Afghanis would discover the same thing about our soldiers if they shared a few bowls in the marketplace. Come to think of it, I might requisition a few thousand copies of Pink Floyd."
Reaction from the White House to the candid interview was cautious. White House spokesperson, Robert Gibbs, formerly of the BeeGees, said, "The President is open to any and all ideas about winning this quagmire of a war. While the President does not encourage the broader strategic use of hashish smoking, tactical applications in combat zones may be appropriate." "Next question," said Gibbs as he pulled an Oreo cookie out from behind his podium.