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| HEADLINE NEWS |
PITTSBURGH - Despite a few mix-ups, like police pepper-spraying a crowd chanting, "Let's Go Steelers," the Pittsburgh G-20 Summit ended to mostly positive reviews from participants. Many leaders of the world's developed nations appreciated the opportunity to visit an obscure Third World city. "I thought Detroit was the only Third World city in America," said Angela Merkel (don't call me Urkel), Chancellor of Germany. "What a nice surprise to discover a totally new rusted, decaying post-industrial city. Also, I was able to take a day trip to Toledo, something I've always wanted to do."
President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, enjoyed his visit, but was disappointed about the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game he attended. "I went there hoping to get Johnny Depp's autograph, but it turned out to be something completely different. It was similar to cricket, but not as exciting."
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Felipe Calderon, President of Mexico, said he
appreciated the accommodations. "I felt very at home at the Hyatt Regency. Most of
the housekeepers were from same part of Mexico as me. They gave me extra little bottles of
shampoo. I left 100 pesos on the pillow for them." When informed that 100 pesos was
worth about 74 cents, Calderon was shocked. "Wow, our currency isn't worth the paper
it's printed on. We'd better print more." Not everyone felt at home though. Manmohan Singh, Prime Minister of India, said he is sick of being detained for questioning at every airport he travels through in the United States. "I am not Arabic. I am not a Muslim. I am a human being. I . . . am . . . a man!" Singh sangh like a trumpeting elephant. "Man," said a nearby world leader, "what rattled his bones?" |
Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, said, "We came into this G-20 Summit ranked #12 by the AP and #11 in the Coaches poll. Based on our performance at the summit, I'm hoping we move up several notches in the rankings."
"It's the same crappy food every damn time. Rubbery chicken and droopy green beans. We need a new caterer," said Dmitry Medvedev, President of Russia. "And why aren't they serving Vodka with the meals? I had to contact the local Russian Mafia to get some decent quality stuff."
Silvio Berlusconi, Prime Minister of Italy, was pleased with the quality of Pittsburgh hookers. "They were very reasonably priced and gave me the nickname "U.S. Steel," said an obviously proud Berlusconi as he unzipped his pants to the gasps of onlookers.
Jean-Claude Juncker, Prime Minister of Luxembourg said, "I am very excited just to be here. Look at all those leaders of real countries. This is so exciting." Shortly afterward, Juncker was surrounded by G-20 security personnel who could not find his name on the guest list. He was dragged, kicking and screaming, from the building.
President of the People's Republic of China, Hu Jintao said he saw the summit as an opportunity to check whether the tenants are taking good care of China's property. "We try not to be nosey landlords," explained Hu (pronounced "who," as in "Who's on first.") "But without a security deposit, we have to make sure the United States doesn't get run down."
One area of agreement among the participants concerned the logo for the summit. It was universally acclaimed as the "worst logo ever." The drawing of a bridge with the words "Pittsburgh Summit 2009" failed to give the slightest hint about the nature of the economic gathering. "Just because they used different shading for the G in Pittsburgh and 20 in 2009 doesn't make it cool. What are we supposed to do, have all our summits in cities that have the letter G?" complained one world leader. Local organizers for the summit explained, "We are having a Shriner's Summit here in October and want to use the same logo. No sense in reinventing the wheel."
Surprisingly quiet about the quality of the event was the host, President Barack Obama of the United States. "The President was not completely satisfied about certain aspects of the gathering," explained White House spokesperson, Robert Gibbs, formerly of the BeeGees. "The President heard of rumors circulating the Internet that he was going to be elected Dictator of the World. Apparently the rumors were the paranoid ramblings of conspiracy theorists. Needless to say, the President is disappointed."
German Chancellor Merkel suggested the next summit be held in Toledo. "That city is one of the best kept secrets in Ohio. I would love to spend a week there some weekend."