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| VOLUME III
FARM TOWN U.S.A.
SEPTEMBER 2009
NUMBER IX |
MAFIA ATTACK ON FARM TOWN: HOAX
Far Flung Furor Fueled From Facebook Fake
Fiasco
FARM TOWN - Reports of attacks on Farm Town by
gangsters from the online game Mafia Wars circulated on the Internet for several days,
causing panic in the usually idyllic world of virtual agriculture. Drawing comparisons to
the 1938 panic created by Orson Welles' radio broadcast of the War of the Worlds,
Farm Town mayor Henry Hoedown said the normally level-headed down-to-earth avatars of Farm
Town basically "freaked out."
| The hysteria began when an avatar showed up at several
Farm Town marketplaces with a hyperlink to a "fake news" web site that normally
focuses on politics. The avatar neglected to tell marketplace goers that it was fake news.
Within a few hours, word spread like wild fire in Farm Town, forcing the community's
volunteer fire department into action. Two volunteer fire fighters aggravated their carpal
tunnel syndrome by frantically moving their mouse driven fire trucks in search of the
fire, which turned out to be just a metaphor. The fake news
story claimed that mafia type avatars had beheaded animals, opened fire with tommy guns in
marketplaces, and knocked over lemonade stands. Frightened Farm Town avatars responded by
forming neighborhood self-defense leagues. |
Experts say this purported photo of an attack on a Farm Town
farmer was actually Photoshopped
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Groups of pitchfork carrying vigilantes roamed the
countryside looking for Mafia Wars intruders. In their zeal to defend Farm Town, two
Jehovah Witness missionaries were beaten up and a traveling farm implement salesman was
tarred and feathered. Some Farm Town residents cobbled together roadblocks using wagons,
barrels, bales of hay, and freshly slaughtered cows. Travelers had to prove their virtual
residence by knowing how many coins are earned harvesting pineapples to get through the
checkpoints.
Editor of the Farm Town News Herald Times Telegraph,
Franklin Guttenberg, said he is incensed at the increasing frequency of "fake
news" available to people on cable tv and the Internet. "It's bad enough with
fake news sources like the Daily Show and FOX News, but now with things like Twitter and
Facebook, anybody and everybody has become a virtual publisher," opined Guttenberg.
"It sure wasn't that way when I was learning journalism at the feet of Perry White at
the Daily Planet."
Beset by angry Farm Town avatars, a representative of
Facebook has promised to launch a full investigation into the hoax, as soon as he gets
back from Starbucks and finishes his bean sprout wrap sandwich. Mayor Hoedown is not
satisfied with the Facebook response. "That hippie geek just laughed when I told him
about the hysteria," related Hoedown. "It's only a game, he said. To him, maybe.
But to me and tens of thousands of Farm Town residents, it's why we get out of bed in the
morning."
The Farm Town invasion hoax also had domestic
implications when one angry Farm Town addict accused her husband, an avid Mafia Wars
gamer, of orchestrating the attack. He denied involvement, said it probably wasn't true,
and "who cares about stupid Farm Town anyway?" She filed for divorce the next
morning at the Farm Town courthouse. It is yet to be determined whether it will be a legal
divorce.
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INSIDE THIS EDITION
- Three avatars hit by train at Petticoat
Junction: pg. 2
- Sheriff sales increase due to record farm
foreclosures: pg. 4
- Tips on getting bargains at Sheriff
sales: pg. 5
- Peeping Tom claims he was just watering
his neighbor's flowers: pg. 7
- Scientists study why Farm Town tornadoes
only capable of knocking leaves off trees:
pg. 8
INS to investigate claims
of illegal workers
Agents from the Immigration and Naturalization Service
(INS) are investigating reports of undocumented workers frequenting marketplaces, begging
for jobs. According to sources, it is common for Farm Town marketplaces to have avatars
from all over the world seeking employment.
INS Special Agent Irvin Keepout says that because
avatars only exchange chat messages at the marketplaces, it is difficult to detect foreign
accents when hiring. "You hire someone to harvest raspberries, and it turns out to be
an illegal Mexican or Al Qaeda operative who proceeds to harvest all your mango
trees."
Farm Town sheriff Andy Taylor said he only has one
deputy (not counting Goober at the gas station who fills in sometimes) and thus isn't able
to police all the marketplaces. "Anyway," said Sheriff Taylor, "we're a
right friendly kind of place. I think there's enough work to go around."
John Birch, head of the Farm Town Purity League,
disagrees and wants Farm Town to ban foreign gamers. "If you ask me, I'd just shoot
the lot of them."
story continues on page 2 |
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NEWS BRIEFS
FARM TOWN SCARECROW TO STAR IN REMAKE OF WIZARD OF OZ - Buddy
Scarecrow, beloved by Farm Town avatars, is headed to Hollywood to star in a remake of the
Wizard of Oz. Buddy, who is well known for his baritone "Shoo, crow, shoo"
landed the role by responding to a Craigs list ad. Production is scheduled to begin in
early 2010 with a projected Youtube debut in 2011.
LOCAL BANK SEEKS BAILOUT FROM FEDS - A coin run on First National
Bank of Farm Town has caused the financial institution to seek help from the Federal
Government. The run on the bank resulted from uncertainty by avatars over the new Farm
Town dollars and how they would affect the value of Farm Town coins. "No one seems to
know much about these new dollars, so I'm pulling out all my coins until things settle
down," said one bank customer. Bank officials are confident they will receive the
bailout money as soon as General Motors pays back its loan.
ANGRY BAR OWNER DISCOVERS FARM TOWN FOOD AND LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
DOESN'T EXIST - After filling out 16 applications for a liquor license and never receiving
a reply, Farm Town bar owner Sam Malone visited the office of the Food and Liquor
Department only to find out there is no such office. "I'm really teed," said a
teed off Malone. "I've had this Norm guy sitting here for two years waiting for a
beer, and now I have to tell him it isn't going to happen." Fellow bartender Woody
started to relate a story about his uncle in Indiana who had a horse, when he was hit in
the head with a beer mug. "I guess those mugs are good for something after all,"
said Malone as he packed up and headed to Seattle to live with a former customer.
ARMY CORPS OF ENGINEERS PROPOSES DAMS AND DIKES FOR FARM TOWN RIVERS
- Officials from the Army Corps of Engineers have proposed a 2.5 billion coin project to
protect Farm Town from a New Orleans/Katrina type disaster by building a series of dams
and dikes. Corps spokesperson, Danny Damyu, says that currently Farm Town is a mishmash of
ponds, lakes and "rivers that run nowhere." "Without a master plan,"
warns Damyu, "these bodies of water that keep popping up on farms, as if they were
bought from a store, will turn into a flood of Noah proportions." The Army Corps of
Engineers is working with the Farm Town planning commission on regulations that would
require avatars to buy virtual permits for their virtual bodies of water.
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