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| HEADLINE NEWS |
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Obama has confirmed that he plans to scrap the controversial missile defense program proposed by the Bush administration in favor of a system that "deploys capabilities that are proven and cost-effective." The missile defense shield was first attempted during the Reagan years and was commonly called "Star Wars." The idea was resurrected by President Bush with the moniker, "The Empire Strikes Back." Obama denied reports that his system will be called, "Return of the Jedi," despite the fact the President was seen on the White House lawn dueling with an experimental light saber invented by Chief White House Scientist Professor John I.Q. Nerdelbaum Frink, Jr., who when told of the President's light saber antics, cried out, "HOYVIN-GLAYVIN!"
| The President, after arguing with reporters over
whether the first Star Wars trilogy was better than the prequel trilogy, announced that
the official title of the new nuclear defense system is "Duck and Cover." The
President stated, "While there has been a desire for an expensive high-tech system
with all the bells and whistles, it is our opinion that we need only to look back to the
1950's and 60's for guidance on our anti-guided missile program." "Duck and Cover" was first introduced by the Eisenhower administration as a way to protect school children from nuclear explosions. In the event of an attack, children are taught to hide under their desks and cover their heads. Many teachers used the drills as an opportunity to have the students scrape the gum off the undersides of their desks. Experts question whether "Duck and Cover" is an effective defense against nuclear explosions. Tom Megaton, of the Nuclear Weapon Manufacturers Association, says his bombs would likely "vaporize" school desks and the children hiding under them. He recommends the deployment of bomb shelter desks. "It would be feasible to use larger desks that are bomb proof, in which the children can hide in the event of an attack. Ironically, we manufacture those too." |
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Representatives from the Congressional Bi-Polar Budget
Office dismiss the bomb shelter desk plan as being prohibitively expensive, costing three
to four times as much as the scrapped missile defense program. "We won't have that
kind of money available until General Motors repays its loan sometime around 2072,"
said Roberta Frugal-Spendthrift of the CBBO. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters the "Duck and Cover" plan is another example of President Obama's commitment to bi-partisanship. "This plan was originally created by a Republican president. Bottom line: We Like Ike." Government officials in Russia were thrilled at the White House announcement. Vladimir Vlad Vladikoff-Koff, Minister of Really Impressive Weapons, said from his office in the Kremlin, "We were about ready to dismantle all our nuclear weapons because there would be no point if the United States could shoot them all down. Now, thank Lenin . . . I mean God, we can get back to doing one of the two things we are good at." When asked what the other thing was, Vladikoff-Koff said, "Pretty much anything that involves vodka."
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