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| HEADLINE NEWS |
PURGATORY POINT, UTAH - Wesley Calvin Lutheranson, a non-denominational pastor currently serving the Our Bible is Better Than Yours church in Purgatory Point, Utah was shocked to find a certified letter from the Holy Spirit waiting for him at the post office on Monday morning. The contents of the letter, however, were even more shocking than receiving an epistle from a member of the Holy Trinity. "Upon receipt of this letter," began the letter which was printed on fluffy cloud watermark stationary, traditional for divine correspondence, "the soon to be mentioned recipient of this letter, Wesley Calvin Lutheranson, is hereby enjoined from claiming that any sermon delivered by such said person aforementioned as party of the first part being recipient of this letter was, is, or ever will be "inspired" by the Holy Spirit, party of the second part in this correspondence, but commonly referred to as party of the third part in the Holy Trinity."
After consulting his lawyer, who consulted another lawyer, it was determined that Lutheranson was being told to cease and desist from any claim that he was, is, or ever will be inspired by the Holy Spirit. "That sucks," said the stunned pastor.
A spokesentity for Heaven, Michael Rowyourboatashore, said the letter was only the first of many that will be sent out. "We aren't targeting Lutheranson. It was just that his sermons were especially bad," said Rowyourboatashore.
According to legal experts, the Holy Spirit has every right to make a trademark claim on the divine title. "Most ministers think everything associated with God is in the public domain because God has been around for so long," said Joshua Tree, a professor at Legal Eagle Law School, an Internet based virtual institution. "Ironically, it is the very fact God has been around so long that gives the claim authority. God created law, and if God says this is the law, it's the law . . . although this one doesn't seem to be carved in stone, ha, ha," laughed Tree, seconds before he was struck by lightning.
Michael R, as Rowyourboatashore is known around the Paradise clubhouse, said that Heaven was tired of taking the blame for lazy pastors attributing their sermons to the Holy Spirit. "If they would open a book and do some serious exegesis on occasion instead of talking off the top of their heads, we would be willing to work with them." Rowyourboatashore, who for purposes of brevity will be referred to as R, also said that Heaven is tired of ministers who subscribe to "sermon in a can" services or surf the Internet, cutting and pasting whatever crap they can find. Rowyourboatashore, who still for purposes of brevity will be referred to as R, explained, "God the Creator provided humans with intelligence, but among all the professions on Earth, ministers seem to be the least aware of this."
| R, which for purposes of brevity has been shortened
from Rowyourboatashore, indicated that cracking down on inspiration claims is just the
beginning. "This is an Alpha and Omega operation," said Rowyourboatashore.
(Editor's note: For purposes of brevity, Rowyourboatashore should have been referred to as
R, but apparently the author of the article is not familiar with the definition of
brevity, probably the result of a theological education.) R continued, (Editor's note:
Finally!) "There are many commonly used expressions by pastors that we feel should be
closely monitored. For instance, when finished reading from the Bible, most ministers will
say, "This is the word of God." Says who?" R pointed out that the Holy Spirit did not actually write the Bible and would prefer to not be associated with large sections of it. "They slew 60,000 Amalekites and cut open the bellies of the pregnant woman. This is the word of God. Come on," sighed R. "Maybe Hitler or Dick Cheney wouldn't mind being tagged with that, but God is love, and not much of the Bible is." According to a law clerk at the Heavenly Office of Legal Affairs, ministers, lay readers, Sunday School teachers, and all other church related workers, will now need permission to say "This is the word of God." Whatever is to be associated with that phrase must be sent at least three weeks ahead of time to the Divine Trademark Permissions Department. "And that," chuckled the law clerk, "is the word of God." |
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