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HEADLINE NEWS |
NEW YORK - Pharmaceutical manufacturer Pills"R"Us has announced that by adding bacon bits to its H1N1 vaccine for what is commonly called "Swine Flu," the effectiveness of the vaccine is enhanced, thus making only one dose necessary, although many participants in the clinical trial came back for seconds to put on their salads.
Swine Flu, which caused fear and panic last winter far beyond the actual spread of the virus, is expected to once again frighten school officials and nursing home administrators, though little change in behavior is expected among Starbucks minimum wage workers, who will likely continue to cough on customers' coffee.
A spokesperson for Pills"R"Us said the vaccine enhancement was the result of hard work and a little bit of luck. "Our scientists were working through their lunch hour, as we often make them do, when one of them dropped a BLT sandwich into the vat of vaccine. Heck if we were going to throw it away, that stuff's expensive," explained the spokesperson, Randy Quaalude. He continued, "What could have been a real downer turned out to be a great discovery. Clinical trial participants fought off the virus much more effectively. Only slightly less than half died after the bacon was added, which is far better than before." According to Quaalude, Pills"R"Us is exploring innovative ways to market their vaccine. "We are looking at developing a salad dressing, a microwavable bacon and egg biscuit, and possibly even deep fried pork rinds." One downside to the vaccine enhancement is that observant Jews and Muslims will not be able to consume the pork based medicine. Quaalude responded to that criticism by saying, "If they are truly observant Muslims and Jews, they have no business getting the Swine Flu in the first place, so it's a moot point." Pills"R"Us is now working on a turkey flavored vaccine to combat a possible outbreak of Avian Flu. |
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